Boink Me Baby, One More Time

Well, I see that the child-spawning K-Fed and Britney Spears are expecting another baby. Brings a tear to my eye. I can’t think of a more deserving, loving and responsible set of parents for a child. You can’t blame Britney for the highchair drop. Oh no! It was obviously a poorly made piece of furniture. And good nannies are SO hard to come by these days. I just don’t know how Britney handles the stress of the paparazzi. Who could blame her for kicking in with the motherly instinct and high-tailing it out of the vicious dangers with her son on her lap? There just wasn’t enough time! My God, I must protect my child! It amazes me how quickly she turned from ‘Toxic’ vixen to bare foot and white trash bayou bimbo. I would like to think they will be producing a sibling for the current little boy. However, at the rate they are going with their finely-tuned parenting skills this new one might just end up being a replacement. Oops, I did it again!

Because 40 Just Wasn't Enough

I went in for my annual eye exam today. Well, annual might be a stretch…it’s been about two and a half years. Nonetheless, I decided to be the ‘healthy guy’ and go. My eyes are very healthy, no problems. Of course there is one small setback. Bifocals! My eye doctor was very pleasant through the whole process of eye charts, ocular pressure, shiny lights, etc. Then she drops the bifocal bomb. I just stared at her with the “Are you shitting me?” look on my face.

I know, I know. Bifocals are not the end of the world. Millions of people have them. But why me so soon after the Big 4–0? I am test driving a pair of bifocal contacts for the next week. They actually feel pretty good, although I tend to misjudge distance a bit. I was reaching for a pen at Wal-Mart earlier today and almost felt up the cashier. I am sure she enjoyed that part of her day…some wide-eyed, dilated freak grasping for her left tit!

While we were going through the whole process I threw caution to the wind and decided to get new frames to go with my newfound loss of vision. The frames are pretty stylish and trendy. Although I think I would enjoy them more not having the additional $200 bifocals added to the overall cost. Can’t wait to try them out on some unsuspecting front counter clerk when they are complete!

Let’s recap. Since turning 40 I have had a full physical (head to toe, inside and out), a visit to a liver specialist, and an eye exam with the bonus prize. Next week…hmmm…I think I will contact AARP and see what specials they might be offering.

I'm a Good Driver...K-Mart Sucks!

It’s after 4 p.m. on a Friday afternoon and my brain is full. If a photo was to be taken of me right now I would appear to be missing a very critical chromosome. It has been a very busy week, yet I feel much unaccomplished in it. I had a day trip to Dallas to meet with some clients. I had lunch and dinner with some longtime friends. I met with Vegas CVB over lunch. I pushed a lot of paper around my office. I got my ‘Inbox’ down to 23 items. I had a couple of conference calls. I can even see the top of my desk! For those of you who know me that is a major thing. All in all though, comfortable cranial capacity (C3) has been reached…borderline breached. Oh, look! Something shiny! (drool)